The new Merchett with a mouth
by Spartan036
Summary: Deemed as a failed experiment by WILLE, Asuka Langley Shikinami has now obtained the powers of deadpool. Nothing will stop her from her path of destruction, fanservice and chimichunga's...
1. Weapon A

Misato Katsuragi stared at the picture of Shinji, the boy who caused 3rd impact and pretty much killed half of the world. At that point, she doesn't care anymore, she pulled out a document from the old weapon X program...And she just found her test subject: Asuka Langley Shikinami.

As far as the document goes, it was kind of a failure, the first test subject was a man named Wade, so far he escaped and became a mercenary. But now Asuka is the perfect test subject, obedient and cunning...The perfect weapon.

"What happened?" asked the awoken Eva pilot while she scratches her head, the pain is ringing through out her mind as if someone rang a really strong bell.

"You were knocked out for three months tops." explained Ritsuko who is sitting beside her bed alongside Mari Makinami who is leaning against the door.

"What happened?" she asks as she looks on the other side of the window, the environment is now covered in S2 organ residue.

"3rd impact." explained Misato outside of the room.

"Wha? Who did this?" Asuka asked.

"Shinji."

The German red-head froze, he did all of this?

"Also he is the one responsible for the loss of your eye, he was using you so he could feel strong."

Her teeth grits in anger.

"I need you for something, will you comply?"

Ritsuko gets up from her seat and faces towards Misato.

"You can't be serious!" she yelled.

"Its our only chance!" Misato replied.

"She's going to die!" Ritsuko yelled.

"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!" Asuka screamed causing Mari to slip. She panted, her heart is racing and she took a deep breath

"I'll join."

Misato smiled menacingy

* * *

The needles sting Asuka heavily, the pain was too much. She began to scream to make it stop, she felt like she was being violated. The fluid streams through her veins like poison. The needles release from her body and she falls to the ground, near dead.

"Ow my skin." she whispered. Misato looks down on her.

"Do you feel strong?"

"Ow my skin" she whispered again except sounding like she's going to laugh.

"Asuka?"

"Ow, my skin." Asuka starts smiling maniacally.

"This experiment was a failure, take her to the brig." Maya and Hyuga pick her up, they start dragging her to her cell.

When they got there, they only glared at Asuka. They threw her into the cell.

"Ow, my skin." she repeated.

She looks at the mirror, her face is horribly disfigured from the experiment with veins exposed all over her head to face, her face is now partially burned.

She punches the mirror causing it to shatter, she picks up one of the glass and smiles. As she is about thrust the shard at her neck, she looks at the reflection again, her face is returning back to its normal form, still, she thrusts the blade to her neck. Blood splatters everywhere but she regenerates, giving her an idea.

"This is the part where I make an awesome escape scene right?" she asks me.

Yes, good thing we have a high budget.

"Hey...Better put these on your checkbook." she replies.

Koji Takao looks at the brig cells, Asuka calls out for help...I said Asuka calls out for help not reading a Kaworu x Shinji hentai manga while touching herself and making a ahegao face!

"Oh...Um"

The blood on the floor.

"Oh okay."

She grasps on the bars.

"Help! I'm on my period! My bed is all red along with my floor!"

Not that! Fucking gross girl!

"Ohhhh, the shard" She picks up the shard and stabs herself.

"Aw crap, we have a suicide!" Koji blared over the radio, he opens the cell and checks Asuka's vitals.

"Poor kid. Dammit Katsuragi." he growled, he turns to wait for backup unknowingly Asuka gets up with the shard in her hand.

She stabs Koji in the neck with it as back up arrives.

"What the fuck!?" yelled the WILLE soldier as he fires his pistol.

Asuka kicks the gun off his hand then rips off his balls in the process. She picks up his pistol along with Koji's.

Want the theme song now?

"Not yet, need to get the stuff." she walks off.

She sneaks to the locker room and puts on her plugsuit then pulls out a sewing needle out of nowhere and a thread. She take her hospital gown exposing her naked body.

"Fanservice!"

Nice.

After 10 minutes, she puts on her plugsuit and puts on the mask. The mask has two hole on the eye parts with a black outline surrounding them.

"Okay...Lets kick some ass...Now the theme song!"

* * *

"Hey Sempai?" asks Maya while she looks on the new Magi system

"Yeah?" replied Ritsuko.

"I having something to tell you."

"What is it?" she turns while smoking

"I love-"

An explosion interrupts the confession with WILLE soldiers running towards it only to be shot in the head by figure covered in the smoke. Now time for the theme song

_Asukaaaaa, ASUKA!_

Asuka fires her dual pistols at the WILLE personnel, from that point, she doesn't care anymore about the lives she's going to take, she gets a grenade from a dead soldier and throws it at the retreating crewman, killing four of them.

"Asuka stop this right now!"

She turns and looks at Ritusko, Ritsuko knows somewhere in that mask that the same Asuka is still alive, she knows it.

"Listen to me Asuka, give me the gun." She stares at Ritsuko...

"Okay, are you trying to make me look tragic?"

Um, well tragedy stems up character development.

"But this is an Eva/deadpool crossover, there is no development!"

You have a point.

"Okay Rits, nothing personal but I'm just going to make you physically disabled, like I said, nothing personal."

She fires her pistols at Ritsuko, paralyzing the scientist.

More personnel flood the facility and surround the failed experiment.

"Go ahead...Make my day." she growls.

She fires her pistols at the two WILLE soldiers in front of her then crosses her arms and fires at the soldiers from the left and right. She folds her gun backwards while her right arm aims the pistol from the front. She fires both of them at the same time.

"Bang, bang, bang!"

She twirls both her guns and blows off the smoke from their barrels.

"These are twins!"

She then squeezes both her breasts together.

"These are also my other twins~"

Okay, that's enough fanservice for today.

"Whaat? Oh man, now I'll never get to be sexy!"

Oh please, men like chicks with guns and weapons, makes em look cute and sexy.

"Really? Never thought about that."

Yes, now go off wasting the budget with reasonalbe intentions.

"Okay!"

Asuka runs off with her dual pistols in hand, she runs towards another WILLE soldier then places her pistols at him and blows his head off. Another tries to melee her with a combat knife but Asuka flips over him and shoots him behind the head. More theme song!

_She's a mean motherfucker!  
_Asuka does the Dicaprio walk while other WILLE crewmen run from her. She turns to see Sakura Suzuhara cowering in fear, she points her finger to her and smiles with teeth twinkling.

As she continues walking, a thought came to her head.

"This is my jam!"

She steals a batton from a dead guard and points it on her mouth

"Be all that you can be, that is what they told me"

Another soldier attempts to tase her but she dodges the shot and smashes his skull with it.

"Made me all I can be, how they try to mold me." as she raps.

"Mix a little bit of the best of the rest."

She throws another grenade at a WILLE soldier.

"Fight off weapon X, well we'll see who's next."

_ ASUKA!_

"Can't expect a miracle bettin' on the devil"

She points both of her fingers at herself.

"I'm your best friend if you keep my money level."

She pulls out her pistol and shoots another soldier who's running towards her.

"Never without a gun, I don't hardly plan the shit out."

A guard shoots her with a shotgun knocking her down to the ground but Asuka gets up and shoots the soldier.

"Survivable plans aren't plans I think about"

That's right beeyotch! And keep those guns clean!

_ASUKAAAA! ASUKA!  
_

She pulls out a pair of shades out of nowhere.

"In the crib"

As she shoots the pad lock, she is met with Misato and the WILLE armed forces.

"Heeey Misato...I guess the experiment was a success after all."

"Um...Hey, did those grow?"

She grabs Misato's breasts and squeezes them, she looks up not to see a moaning and blushing face.

"Ehh..."

Misato pistol whips her and Asuka falls to the ground, Misato grabs her by the collar and places a DSS choker on her neck.

"If you attack again, I'll blow your head off."

"Hmmm..."

She punches Misato in the face causing the choker to activate, she then pulls out another grenade and unpins it.

The explosion knocks out Misato, she regains her hearing. All around her, she is surrounded by dead soldiers, she then see's Asuka's decapitated head. Misato plays dead as she hear more footsteps, she looks up to see Asuka'a headless body as it picks up her head.

"Okay, this better work..."

She twists her head around until it makes a crack sound. Her neck regenerates reverting it to its original form.

"Look out world! Asuka's back...And more sexier~" she raised both of her arms.

Asuka gets a kevlar vest from a dead soldier then leaves the scene.


	2. Big things come in small begginings

Asuka traversed the now red streets of Tokyo-3, so far, she couldn't find anybody so far. She pulls out her phone and takes a picture of her surroundings and posts it on Evabook.

Description: Just got experimented on by Misato #thankyou/fuckyoumisato.

Hikari Horaki: OMG, are you alright? Where are you right now?

Toji Suzuhara: Did you get powers or extra arms?

Kensuke Aida: I knew WILLE was up to something shady!

Asuka Langley Shikinami: Just to let you know, I got regenerative powers and super agility.

Asuka turns off her phone to head towards Hikari's house but she feels a feeling...

"Can you please stop being deep?"

Okay, she's hungry.

"Much better."

She goes to a nearby fast food place to raid it, there she meets the food of her destiny: Chimichunga!

After eating the meal, she goes on to Hikari's house but she see's a sword shop with the owner who has committed seppuku.

"Don't mind of I do~" She steals two katana's with their sheaths.

One she she reaches Hikari's house, she knocks on the door.

"Hello? Its me Asuka!"

No answer.

She knocks again.

"Hikari"

and again.

"Hikari"

and another time

"Hikari"

So out of boredom.

"HIKARIHIKARIHIKARIHAIKARIHIKARIHIKARIHIKARIAHIKAR IHAIKARIHIKARIHIKAERIHIKAERI"

Still no answer, okay, just look at the window or enter somewhere else!

"Fiiiinnne."

She goes around the house.

"Hey narrator, ten bucks says she killed her sister then herself and wrote god forgive us in blood."

She looks into the window and see's Toji, Kensuke, and Hikari armed with shotguns pointing at the door.

"Hey guys!" she waves at them.

Toji shoots the gun blowing off Asuka's hand and glass to get on her face.

"Fuuuucccccckkkkkk, whhhyyyy!?" she winces in pain as she clutches her arm while blood splatters everywhere, she then takes off the mask.

"Oh God, Kensuke get the medical supplies!" Hikari orders Kensuke as he leaves.

After Asuka stops screaming, she tells Hikari its okay. She picks up her hand and twists her hand until it makes an organic click sound and reattaches her hand back on.

"Oh my God, that wasn't a joke!"

Asuka turns to Toji, Hikari and Kensuke.

"Hey guys, yeah like I said: Misato experimented on me."

Hikari became angry at the statement, what kind of person would do this to their own ward?

"I need a place to stay." Asuka stated.

The group exchange looks at each other and huddle.

"She's a regenerating experiment gone right! We should let her stay!"

"No Kensuke, the experiment could have made her go insane!"

"But she could be like a weapon and defend us from bandits, remember the last time they broke in here!?"

Asuka made an ahem, the group turns to her.

"Did you say bandits?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Did they steal your supplies?"

"They did!"

Asuka grins with the thought of it in her now messed up head.

"Well, if you pay me, I'll kill em!"

The groups eyes turn wide.

"But we don't have any money!"

"Its okay fair citizen, you could pay me in food!"

Really? You know Kensuke has 35 dollars, Toji has 40 and Hikari has 60.

"Well this is the start of my business! Big things come from small beginnings!"

You quoted David 8 from Prometheus didn't you?

"Indeed I did!" She turns to the group.

"Don't worry, I'll get your supplies back!" Asuka runs out of the door.

"Because Asuka's mercenary business is now open!"

* * *

In the bandit camp, the place is a sesspool of prostitution and gambling, so far the leader is Kazuo Igarashi. The man is in his 40's and has black hair. His men look at the camera observantly.

Camera 1 goes black.

"What the? We lost camera 1!"

"Get a guy there!"

The bandit walks in the halls to see whats going on, little does he know he's being followed by Asuka.

She-Okay what do you have in mind?

"Here we go~"

She back flips over the guy and decapitates the man and slashes off his arms using the swords.

Huh, that was pretty badass.

"I'm a natural."

The radio goes off.

"What going on over there?"

Asuka grabs the radio and deepens her voice.

"Some idiot decided to throw cat piss at the camera!"

The man responds with an angry growl.

Asuka journeys through the hideout, avoiding some men by using the box tactic along with barrel tactic. Seriously, how does any one suspect that!? She see's a crowd of prostitutes and blends in with them, again, how doesn't anyone notice that there's a girl wearing a red mask and red plugsuit armed to the teeth trying to blend in with a group of prostitutes!? Anyway, Asuka leaves the crowd and heads towards the hallway, in front of her is another guard.

"Ahem, supressors?"

Um..I need an explanation on how you get them.

"What? What do you mean explanation?"

Well, there's logic. Supressors can't just magically appear on your guns.

"But your the creator! Just make it happen dude!"

Damn your so demanding...

A pile of supressors are in front of Asuka.

"Thank you~"

She puts them on and slides underneath the guard.

"What the-"

She fires both the pistols causing the guard to fly and tearing him apart in the process.

"I believe I could fly~"

Asuka heads towards the main command room. Okay, you need to use stealth on this Asuka, so please try to be silent for once.

"What? The examples didn't impress you?"

They did, but their too flashy.

"Fiiinnnne, keep it simple."

Asuka sneaks up on the bandit and stabs him by the shoulders then stab's him in the chest and stomach.

"Hey, I heard something!" another bandit checks on the body with Asuka hiding in a trash can.

"We have a man down here!" he feels a poke on his back. He turns to see nothing.

"What the fuck?" he turns again only to see Asuka slicing his head off.

On the seat is the bandit leader looking over the cameras. Okay, just one thrust Shikinami. Asuka thrusts the katana through the seat, stabbing him in the neck.

"Well, well, well. That was easy!" she slices his head off and his body bends over, Asuka then shoves the sword up his ass.

"Time to relax~" Ahem, a hooker was looking.

She turns.

"Wat?" I said a hooker was looking at you kill the bandit leader.

"Ahh Shit, least this shows another special ability I have."

More bandits flood the room pointing their rifles with low ammunition at Asuka. She pulls out her swords and looks at all of them, she looks into their eyes. A bandit panics and fires at her but Asuka slashes the bullet.

They start shooting at her but Asuka twirls both of her swords ricocheting all the bullets to them.

"Hell yeah!" she continues to twirl all her swords with bandits trying to shoot her but heir bullets hit them instead.

By the time she was done, the bandit camp is pretty much filled with dead bodies.

"Heey and no one innocent got hurt!"

Um

"My family is dead!"

A gunshot is heard and a thud.

"Uhhh..."

That's the right moment to run.

Asuka dashes away and takes off her mask. She looks at the reflection at a nearby window, she looks normal again. She smiles.

"This is the start of something new!" she cheers as she jumps to another building.

"For the first time I'm in control of my life!" she crashes to another window and does a barrel roll then keeps on running and stops as she looks on over ruined Tokyo-3.

"Alright world, say hello to the merc with a mouth...And narrator!"

Yeah?

"Were going places."

We are indeed!

* * *

For the past 14 years, Asuka appears everywhere now and every magazine of Merc monthly, Time, and rolling stones...Maybe playboy too.

_A picture shows Asuka in a bunny suit wielding her swords in the latest playboy magazine and another with her laying the on the ground with her swords covering her breasts. Due to the side effect of the experiment, she is now has an E-cup._

She became a famous mercenary by that time.

_Time magazine shows a picture of Asuka killing Joseph Kony, underneath the picture is a description:for the sake of invisible children to stop annoying her with death threats if she doesn't kill him. The next picture shows Asuka on the rolling stones wielding a sniper rifle and licking the barrel._

But she feels like something was missing in her life...It was Shinji and Rei, I mean, she loved the compliments and the high pay grade but those two showed her she could never be alone. She had friends for the first time.

She sighs as she takes a dip in her tub. With the money she's been getting, she lives in an average apartment similar to the one Shinji and her used to live in, in the kitchen the sink is almost flooded with chimichunga scraps.

The phone rings next to her and she picks it up.

"Asuka, the merchett with the mouth speaking!" Its been a week since she got a job.

"Its Misato..."

"Please standby~"

Asuka began to whistle and pull out her pistol then points it underneath her jaw, she pulls the trigger causing her brains to splatter everywhere.

"Dammit Asuka!" Misato yelled.

You know they are aware of the healing factor right?

She jumps as he head regenerates.

"Ohhh, almost forgot about that! Its been what? 14 years?"

Yep.

"Okay Misato, what is it?" she sighs as she picks up the phone with her head fully healed.

"Uh-huh, awww that's so cute! What? Oh that's so sad, is Maya gonna be alright? Wait, did you say yes!? Congratulations, hope I'm the bridesmaid! A job?"

Asuka froze.

"I understand the piloting the Eva again part and the pay grade but...Did you say space, tesseract and Shinji?"


	3. way up high

Asuka puts down the phone after her conversation with Misato, she couldn't believe it: Shinji is in space stuck in a cross-shaped refridegerator. So far the pay-grade is $1000 billion dollars and WILLE's budget is pretty high. She puts on her indoor cloths and eats her dinner, the usual chimichunga's but this time it felt lonely eating with no one else she wished someone would just eat with her.

After she was done eating she-

"Hey reader, wanna see my weapons!?"

But its passed your-never mind.

Asuka walks to the other room and presses a button hidden underneath the neck of a statue dedicated to her. The wall flips sideways and reveals an arsenal of-Oh my God if this fanfic has a shame meter, it would full right now! Look at the size of those things, they'll tear you apart! You pervert!

"Ah-ha, I get a lonely sometimes! And wrong weapons!"

The walls flips again, THIS time with the right arsenal of weapons.

"Yep, these are my guns."

On the top right and left are two shotguns, in the middle four assault rifles, and in the bottom two submachine guns. Another on the table is a minigun and four pistols along with sniper rifles.

"Still proud of them!"

She goes to the computer room and surfs the internet.

"Haha! Funny cat pictures!"

She gets up and goes to the bathroom, she then washes her face. As she lifts her head, the mirror shows that she has the face of her mother who had committed suicide after the unit 02 accident.

"There better be no tragedy behind the comedy thing going one here."

Well I mean that is pretty traumatizing.

"But dude!"

Just ignore it.

"Wait"

She comes back to the mirror.

"More sane than Charlie Sheen!"

She laughs and reflection does the same.

A knock on the door is heard and she goes to see whats going on. The door reveals to be a deliveryman.

"Package from Mr Wilson."

She signs the document.

She shakes the box a little, after she got back from killing those bandits and getting food from Hikari, Asuka later signed up for the deadpool PMC corporation, the worlds strongest private military company in the world. Maybe its because the guy who owns it is like her, she later left to become a full fledged merc.

"Huh."

She opens the box to reveal a satchel. A note is near it.

"You deserve this!-Wade Wilson."

She flips over the satchel and it reads magic satchel. Asuka raises an eyebrow at the label, just to let you know you could put alot of things in that.

"Really?"

Yeah, even giant weapons and other stuff, you don't need a luggage.

"Hmmm..."

Start by packing up for the job.

"Okay!"

Asuka shoves her minigun in the satchel along with her shotguns, pistols, submachine guns, assault rifles and sniper rifles.

"Well time to go to bed!"

She jumps on her bed and falls asleep face first on the pillow then scratches her butt while sleeping.

"Oh Rei, your so naughty that doing to Shinji~"

"I could do better~"

You better not touch yourself while sleeping.

* * *

"Asuka? Asuka?"

Asuka wakes up to see Shinji in front of her, she smiles.

"Morning~"

She goes down stairs to see her daughter drawing a picture of her and Shinji.

"Morning Asuka jr!"

The girl lifts her head and smiles at her.

"Morning Mommy!"

Asuka giggles a little and preps some breakfast. After the Ikari family is done eating, Shinji and Asuka go to work.

After doing her work in Uganda, she stops by Shinji's workplace after passing by offices she goes to her husbands office.

"Hey honey~"

Her eyes turn wide to see a silver-haired boy...violating her husband on the desk.

She fires her gun at him but she misses.

"He's mine know! Isn't that right Shinji?"

Her husband nods.

"Stop! Stop this right now!"

The silver haired boy smiles.

"No"

* * *

"Ahhhh!"

Another dream?

She nods.

"This better not be foreshadowing..."

Anyway, its morning already.

"Weeeellllll, its go time!"

She gets up from her bed and gets up to get some breakfast. After she was done, she gets her usual cloths and puts them on.

She gets the katana sheaths on her back then puts on her holsters and leaves her room.

Asuka walks outside to her apartment, she'd grown used to her new state which is Chicago.

"Asuka!"

She turns to see an army of paparazzi's in front of her.

"Are you now working alongside WILLE?"

"Whats the pay grade for this?"

"You haven't been going out that much, is there something wrong?"

Asuka facepalms.

"Okay, yes, $1000 billion and no, there's nothing much to do."

She leaves the crowd with more of them still questioning her.

After a long ride on the taxi, she gets to the heli-pad with the a VTOL waiting her.

In the VTOL is a soldier waiting for her and pointing an assault rifle at her.

"Oh come on!"

The soldier glares at her.

"Shut up, you killed my brother during the facility rampage! Now I'm-"

"Okay, I know this ride is going to be long so~"

Can you please stop shooting yourself!?

"Mam, the HVI is dead."

"She may look dead but she has regenerative powers don't be fooled."

The soldier looks back at Asuka's body which her head is regenerating.

"Um, should I bring the body bag?"

"Just drag her in there."

* * *

"Hello Asuka!" greeted a derp-eyed Kaji.

"Yes Kaji!?"

"Your the president of the world!"

"YEAH!"

* * *

Asuka wakes up in the VTOL with the soldier jumping and pointing his assault rifle at her again.

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"For the last time, no!"

Asuka looks on the window of the VTOL, she's thinking of something.

"Hey I'm thinking a number between 1 and 10."

The soldier readies his gun.

"Okay, if you open your degenerate mouth again, I'll shoot you!"

"Is that a way to talk to a lady?"

The soldier growls.

"Are we-"

The soldier unloads a round at Asuka's head causing blood to splatter and breaking the VTOL window. She turns her head towards him.

"Okay, two could play at this game!"

* * *

"This is hawk 5-1, were landing"

The VTOL begins to slowly land on the wunders main heli-pads with the some of the crew guiding the aircraft.

"We also have a problem."

On top of the VTOL, the soldier who treated Asuka harshly is now strapped on to the top, naked wearing only his beret.

Misato sighs. She looks on to see Asuka getting out of the VTOL greeted by Sakura and Hyuga, Asuka exchanges some greetings and small talk and goes to the command center.

"I'm starting to regret hiring her."

"You think?"

She turns to see Maya Ibuki giving a cold stare at Asuka in the distance.

"I know you don't trust hired guns but Asuka is the only way to defeat Nerv along with Shinji. We don't have a choice, those two are our only hope."

Maya grits her teeth.

"I know she is, but I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at you."

Misato wasn't surprised as Maya gave her the cold shoulder.

* * *

"So whats the plan?" Asuka asks Misato. The pair are in the open launch bay.

"Were going to retrieve Shinji from the tesseract via using the Eva's. The place is heavily guarded by nemesis units so expect some heavy resistance."

Asuka raises an eyebrow.

"So...Our Eva's can fly now?"

Misato shakes her head.

"Were launching you and Mari there."

Asuka's eyes grow wide. After watching alien movies, she thought about a facehugger impregenating her with its offspring and space is the most unexplored part of the world!

"Um, Misato, what if I refuse the mission and the pay- grade?"

"Well"

A sentinel robot approaches Asuka and looks down at her.

"You know I could kick that things ass right?"

Misato chuckles.

The sentinel opens a book...and the books cover has two hands holding an apple.

"Edward-"

Asuka fell to the floor foaming from her mouth.

"Now, would you sign up?"

"Okay, okay, that shits strong!"


	4. Catching up

Asuka got inside the Eva which she recolored to suit her personality, Eva unit 02 has been waiting for her a long long time like a doll that has just been abandoned...Or an uneaten burrito.

"Hey, I always finish my food!"

Yeah right, do you know the number of chimichunga's you leave behind?

"Hey, sometimes I don't feel like eating at the moment."

You could always throw them in the garbage not leave them on your plate!

"Well...The garbage can is always full."

You could always take them out.

"Eh..Too lazy."

Um Misato is behind you along with Mari. Asuka turns to them.

"Okay, this mission is a go but were getting some setbacks at the moment so get in the entry plug and wait."

Asuka does a dukes of hazard slide on the hatch and gets in.

"Hmm...Time to sleep!"

Well this is the appropriate time to catch some z's

"Titty, titty, titty..."

Zzzzz

"Titty, titty, titty..."

Asuka wakes up.

"Oh my God, I just had a apipthany!"

Huh? What was it?

"I should take Shinji out for some chimichunga's!"

I don't think he likes those, I mean seriously he's not like you.

"Alright, preparing to launch!" blared Maya after she fixed the glitch.

"Oh right!" cheered Asuka as she grips the controls tightly.

"Oh yeah, masks on!" she flips on her mask.

The pod that contains unit-02 raises alongside unit-08, they launch.

"Turn on the auto-tune!"

Alright!

"I believe I could fly~"

"Dammit Kitakami! Why did you put auto-tune there!?"

"Sorry, I was a gonna use it for a prank!"

Oh my God, Asuka you sound like an auto-tuned Justin Bieber please stop singing! Asuka?

"I believe touch the skahhhhyyyy~"

Please make it stop! One of the crewman is already suffering from a seizure and another is slamming his face on the wall and biting his tongue!

Asuka sighs and turns off the auto-tune.

"I think about it every night and day, just spread my wings and fly away"

My God...Her voice is angelic even the WILLE crew are astonished.

Misato wipes off a tear from her cheek and sniffs a little.

"Okay Asuka, enough fooling around were getting specimen BM-03"

The pod releases the Eva and it begins to use its thrusters to guide itself.

"four targets incoming!" warned Mari.

"I see em!"

Unit 02 pulls out two swords and beings to slash the nemesis unit's tentacles another grabs unit 02's arms.

"Oh, I've seen enough Hentai to know where this is going!"

Her Eva slashes the tentacle away from it and kicks it off, unit 02 pulls out two pistols and starts firing.

"Look at ma two guns!"

An MP Eva head towards her and begins to fire, unit 02 avoid the shot and slices its head off.

"There's the tesseract!"

Unit 02 gets a hold of the cross-like prison but a nemesis unit gets on it.

"Okay..I am not a school girl! " she yells as she struggles from the tentacle.

The red pilotable cyborg pulls out a progressive knife and tries to slash it, unit-02 kicks off the nemesis unit.

"Mari, I need supporting fire!"

"Sorry, I'm out of distance and already starting fall into the atmosphere."

Unit-08 makes a sign-shaped like a heart with its hands.

"Dramatic single fight scene...Greeaat."

Another nemesis unit runs towards unit-02 and latches on the Eva.

"Dammit, does Nerv watch a lot of hentai!?"

Well, Gendo watches something on his comouter when no one is looking. Probably.

An MP Eva flies to her, it opens its mouth.

"I will never die! Never!"

Asuka releases the entry plug from her Eva and jumps out towards the Eva causing her helmet to fall out.

"Falcon...PUNCH!"

She raises her fist and punches it in the face.

The MP Eva's face screams in pain as lights come out from its eyes and mouth.

"Yeah! Oh crap, my helmet...Ack!"

Doesn't your lung regenerate?

"Yeah but...Its like repeating the same fatal...mistake...I need mouth to mouth...For air...Ouch."

No way.

"Fuck...Ack...you..."

Suddenly an arm comes out of the tesseract and grabs Asuka, putting her back to the entry plug and the Eva.

* * *

Shinji wakes up on a table restrained, a scanner observes his face, he notices three soldiers pointing their guns at him. Next to Shinji is a girl wearing a white beret.

"Where...Am I?"

They don't respond.

"Oh your awake, welcome to the wunder." she generously greeted.

As they head towards the command center, Shinji notices a figure that looks like Asuka breathing on a oxygen tank.

"Are sure this isn't a hookah? Cause I'm not into this stuff."

"No Asuka...Its not a hookah." replied a voice that sounds like Ritsuko.

Shinji gets up to see everyone glaring at him.

"Misato-"

"Don't call me that..Sakura, escort him to his courters."

"Yes ma'm."

Shinji is escorted to his room, Asuka approaches Misato from behind.

"Can I call you Misato?" she asks while making a cute-cat like face.

Misato looked at Asuka.

_How can I say no to that face?  
_Misato nods at Asuka and pats her on the head.

* * *

"Where's Ayanami?"

No one in the room didn't answer.

"Ayanami doesn't exist anymore..." Misato replied.

Shinji became startled.

"W-What?"

"We only found you inside the plug no else was there." Ritsuko said.

"What, I saved her!"

The boy notices Asuka in the distance.

"Asuka, your alright!"

Asuka stares at him.

"Do you know what happened her?"

"Yeah...Shinji, its been a long time and...We should see some other people..."

Can you please stop the breakup tactic, you two are not dating!

"Well, sorry, its been like 14 years since I talked to him."

Shinji gasps.

"14 years? How?"

Asuka turns.

"Oh yeah...Its a thing called the...Um..."

Asuka pulls out the script.

"The curse of the Eva! Is that right?"

Yeah.

"Okay, you have the curse of the Eva! While I have the curse of Misato's desperate arrogance!"

Shinji raises his eyebrow.

"Yeah, Misato experimented on me, how about this reel."

Asuka pulls up film screen from out of nowhere narrated by Morgan Freeman

_Labeled as both heroin and villainess _

_Asuka was once a badass Eva pilot, after being recruited by the weapon A program._

_Asuka was subjected to experiments that gave her awesome regenerative powers...and drove her batshit crazy. _

_Today the merchett with a mouth travels around the globe in search of fortune...And chimichunga's!_

Shinji eyes grew wide, he could believe Misato did this to her! Now Asuka is some type of freak with regenerative powers.

"So, wanna gets some chimichunga's? I'll break you out~"

Shinji froze, the Asuka he knew is gone...replaced by an insane mercenary.

"Shinji?"

He turns to see Asuka is already in his cell. Shinji is still frozen. Asuka presses both of her hands on his face and starts rubbing them all over his face to get a response.

"Shinji?"

No response.

"Shinji?"

Still no response.

"Shinji"

Wha? I was asleep.

"Shinji?"

Shinji regains his sense and pushes her away from him causing her to stumble to the ground.

"Your not Asuka...Asuka's dead. Your just a mercenary..."

The words stung like poison to Asuka, she begins to sniff.

"Uh..Uh...I didn't mean it! Asuka?"

Asuka lifts her head with tears over her eyes.

"I...was waiting for 14 years for you..."

She pulls out her phone and it shows a picture of a cake reading welcome back.

"I..I even made you a cake."

Shinji goes closer to her. But a voice interrupts the moment.

"Ikari, where are you?"

"Rei?"

"I'm over here!"

A hand breaches the hull.

"Dammit I was close to my target!"

Shinji felt betrayed, Asuke lied to him.

"Wait...Skin on skin?"

Shinji gets on the hand.

"Oh no you don't!"

She gets a...Is that a 3d manuvering gear?

"Yep! Sind sie das Essen? Nein, wir sind der Jäger!" The hooks grab on to the Eva and she climbs on to the back of it head.

She gets on her radio.

"Misato, you better pay me later."


	5. Your getting in my Nervs

The optical Eva stood up right as the Wunders alarms go off. Asuka clinged on the back of its neck as AA guns fire at it until Misato told them to stop shooting...Little did they know Mari's mic was busted.

The Eva's head blows into tiny little pieces.

"Oh come on!"

"Oh, sorry about that!"

Asuka felt like her arm is getting loose, she looks up to see it is. Her got affected by the shot Mari gave off.

"Now look what you did!"

Asuka sighs and tries to make it regenerate faster.

"Hnnnnn!"

She gasps

* * *

"Hnnnnnnnn!"

She gasps again.

"Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

She-Oh my God stop eating burrito's!

"Sorry."

The Eva's wings form into a rocket and flies off with Asuka still clinging on to it. Her 3d manuvering gear's strings are causing her to fly due to the altitude, sort of like para gliding.

"I love it when the wind blows on face but I love it more when something else blows~"

Oh come on.

Little does she know the strings are starting to get loose.

"Oh shit! C'mon, don't fail me now!"

She starts to fall, she fires another hook but thanks to too much wind speed the the strings go around her.

"I ain't giving up that easily!"

The hooks latch on to the Eva again and slice Asuka's head in the process. Her headless body grabs the head.

"Well, I'll just put this on when we get to Nerv headquarters. Just don't drop me!"

Well at least Shinji doesn't know you followed him.

"Yeah, ow watch the hair!"

* * *

Nerv Headquarters

Shinji wakes up on a bed, in front of him is Rei Ayanami. She looks outside of the window observantly as if something has followed them here.

"Rei?"

Rei turns to him giving a blank look.

"Come with me."

Shinji follows Rei and passes by a biomechanical room which contains a constructed Eva that resembles unit-01. Rei stops again.

"What is it?"

"Its nothing."

She looks up to see a silhouette of a female figure except headless jumping by some structures.

The two pilots keep heading passing by a silver-haired boy playing a piano. The boy looks up to see Shinji, the two keep on moving unknowingly, they didn't notice that something passed by behind the boy.

After the conversation with his father, Shinji gets inside his room which food and supplies are shipped into the room. Shinji puts on his headphones but notices that his SDAT is broken. He ponders why did Misato do this to his own friend, was it to break him or to guilt him? He also wonders what happened to Rei, why doesn't she remember? Shinji sighs and heads off to find Rei. As he starts walking along the way, the bathroom door breaks open to reveal a headless female body with another dead body still fresh.

"Okay, this happened last time."

Asuka turns her head on the stump until it makes a cracking noise. She turns to Shinji with her neck regenerating.

"Well that's what you get if you mix C4 and bean burrito's!"

Shinji tries to hurl but retrains the urge and simply passes by Asuka.

"Shinji!Shinji! You have to know..."

Shinji turns with an angry and disgusted face.

"...That I did a cover album with the proclaimers."

Shinji sighs and walks away with Asuka trying to tell him another thing. Why did you have to tell him? Should've told him about the wrong meeting.

"He's going to think I'm racist!"

* * *

4 years ago in the South

The Klan leader stood in front of the burning the cross.

"Were gonna rat off town and ride em the rail! any questions?"

A klan member raises her hand.

"Excuse me? I think I'm in the wrong meeting, is this the Mississippi police department?"

You read the GPS wrong!

* * *

"C'mon Shinji,man why are you so fast? Either that I need to lay off the chimichunga's."

Actually through out the years you've maintained a good figure and fair weight.

"What, really?"

Yeah, the experiment kills body fat.

"Damn, guess that explains it. But Shinji please stop!"

Shinji just keeps on walking through the ruined the headquarters. Asuka then trips on a skull and falls face first. She gets up to see the same silver haired boy from her dream looking at Shinji.

"I was born to meet you." he said in a seductive voice. By that time the mercenary blew off a lot of steam.

"Hi I'm Asuka Langley Shikinami, nice to meet you. I'm a mercenary, I'm quite sure you know me, oh look at the time, lets go Shinji."

Well it looks like you have competion.

"Anyway, okay Shinji lets get out of this place, it smells like-"

"Would you like to play some piano?" asked the silver-haired boy

"Wait, who are you?"

"Kaworu Nagisa."

Asuka squints her eyes angrily.

"Your dead wrong asshole." she grumbles.

The three pilots head towards the piano, Shinji struggled with it but Kaworu joined and they began to play a duet. The quatre maines.

A hand gently goes near Kaworu and pushes him off. Do you even know how to play the piano?

"Course I do!"

Asuka begins playing cruel angels thesis.

"C'mon Shinji, play along!"

Shinji looked into her eyes and knew that he has to accept what Asuka has become, he looked deeper into her eyes and saw there's a little bit of her left. Shinji smiles warmly at her and starts playing along. Kaworu tries to intervene but Asuka pulls out her katana and points it at him.

"If that doesn't scare you, I think this will."

She pulls out a gun that is a mixture of a assault rifle, shotgun, rocket launcher, minigun, grenade launcher, pistol, knife, sword, chainsaw and a Swiss army knife.

"But I think this will."

She pulls out a Justin Bieber doll.

"I'll pull the string if you don't leave."

Kaworu backs away slowly and the two former pilots happily the piano.


	6. Feels and ASDFGHJLK ITS CABLE!

**Sorry if this chapter is a little bit feelsy but I wanted some character development.**

* * *

Asuka wanders off after the piano lesson she had with Shinji, you have to admit, Shinji's pretty good.

"Yeah, he is."

Oh I know that face.

"What face?"

Your blushing.

"Yup, its official:I'm in love!"

She wanders into another room and trips on to something. She notices that she tripped on Rei who was sleeping, the clone looked at her blankly. Asuka doesn't know what to do, shoot her or knock her out.

"Hey...Rei."

She stares blankly.

"That plugsuit shows off your curves and their killer!"

Rei simply goes back to sleeping in her futon  
"I'll have to tell this to commander Ikari."

"Oh come on Rei, we have our fair share of games! Don't be like this."

Rei doesn't answer, as a soldier of Nerv, she mustn't reply to the enemy. She feels something next to her, the clone turns to see Asuka in her bed making a cat-like face while smiling.

"If your going to tell, I will kill you in most messed up way possible~" She said in shimmering puppy eyes.

Rei felt an emotion now, it was weird for her to feel something like this...Is this what humans call fear? Rei doesn't know the face of a person in fear, she gives a blank look to Asuka.

"How are you going to kill me?"

The German-redhead pulls out a copy of a little boy in a swimsuit the anime is labeled "Boku no Pico"

Rei's eyes go wide.

"Please...Don't..."

"Then don't tell~"

Rei nods and quickly goes to sleep. Asuka gets up and head towards the rooftops. Lying there is Shinji looking at the stars.

"Hey." The boy turns to see her in the entrance, he still has that worried face. Asuka sits down and looks at the stars with him.

"So, you always wanted to see the stars?"

"Yes."

"Well, back at my new home, there's always a star watching balcony. I always don't go there."

Shinji turns to the mercenary.

"Why?"

"Because, I always see stray cats humping each other or guy committing bestiality and video taping it."

Shinji tries his best not to laugh. After a few moments of silence, Asuka says it.

"You know, each time I look up there. I think of someone..." she raises her arm and opens her hand, her wrists still has a scar from the experiment.

"Who do you think about?"

C'mon, say it...

"Never mind."

Dammit!

"Still, why are you starting to get soft on me? I only caused confusion and annoyance.."

Shinji grimaces at the thought, he needs to be honest.

"Because, Asuka always acted mean yet at the same time always had heart of gold and stayed true to herself."

Asuka blinks her eyes in confusion.

"I realized the Asuka I know cheers me up when I'm sad and acts funny sometimes..."

The mercenary lies down on the ground and remembers all the good time he had with him. Shinji turns to Asuka and looks at her straight in the eye.

"But I realized that the Asuka I know is dead...And you have to accept the pain no matter what..."

Asuka's eyepatch begins to glow blue. She gets up and raises her arm again then opens her hand.

"That someone I'm always thinking about in the stars...Is you. Your lost there...No where to go..."

Shinji gets up. Asuka reaches out her hand which like her wrist has scars from the experiment, Shinji holds on to it.

"I was holding all that hatred for you but I realized it wasn't worth it, I should've stayed in WILLE so I can tell you what happened through out the years..."

Asuka grips Shinji's hand and pulls him closer to her which results in a passionate embrace.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry for falling to Misato's lies and acting like a psycho...I wanted to say.."

Shinji felt tears streaming from his eyes.

"Welcome home."

"I-I'm home..."

"And what you said about the Asuka you know..."

She holds Shinji tightly.

"I'm still here." the mercenary smiled warmly as she hugged him. In the entrance is Kaworu looking at them. Asuka grins and flips the bird.

* * *

Asuka takes a walk after the confrontation, suddenly a beam of light appears and reveals a man with grey hair and his skin is mixed with machinery.

"Uh.."

Oh right, the intro.

_Who the fuck is that!?_

_Its the man outta time~_

_Who the fuck is that!?_

_He loves to fight crime~_

_We hang out on the pool~_

_Who the fuck is that?_

_But he ain't a fool~_

_It's fucking cable!_

"OMG ASDFGHJKL cable!" Asuka cheered. The German checks out every gear the mutant has.

"I can't believe it, you actually got a marvel character involved with this!? I thought this was a standalone!"

"You must be-"

"I need to get a picture!"

Asuka pulls out a smart phone and takes a picture of cable and her.

**Description: Guess who the author added? **

**Wolverine: Oh crap not another one. FML**

**Psylocke: At least she's adorable, look at that face :3**

**Domino: I guess she's more tolerable than Wade, no offense :( **

**Deadpool: She used to work for me you know. :D**

"Enough with the fun and games Shikinami, I have come here to give dire warning from the future."

Asuka's eyes turned wide, you better not think about it. Her mind feels numb to the point of not hearing anything about the warning. Asuka pulls out her pistol and shoots herself.

"Dammit Asuka!"

She gets up with her head now regenerating.

Cable sighs.

"I don't know if this applies to you but do you like tacos?"

Asuka gasps in joy and says yes in high pitched voice.

"I know a guy named Pablo"

"How about this: what if you could never eat Pablo's taco's ever again?"

"What chu talkin about cables?"

"Shinji Ikari is going to pull two spears from Lilith's back and kill Pablo in the process, destroying all his taco's and everyone on the world! Unless you stop him!"

"Shit just got- Wait why!?" she asked in a distraught voice.

"Well he thought he could reverse the damage of third impact. You could try to negotiate with him or..." Cable looks up to see the German's face has tears now. The mutant knew about her relationship with the young boy, it was going to be painful for her but sometimes you have to kill one and save a million.

"...Or...Make it quick." Cables voice turns sympathetic. Asuka hugs cable and cable gives her a pat on the back. Asuka lets go and walks away. Cable sighs.

_I didn't know this was going to happen. But I pray Asuka chooses to negotiate with him, she already has enough pain to deal with._

Cable teleports back to his bleak future.


	7. Message delivered and cover blown!

Asuka traversed the hallways of the ruined HQ passing by some guards along the way. She looks for Shinji's room, the German passes by Kaworu's and Rei's. She wondered if she could talk him out of this.

"C'mon, c'mon!"

"There!"

She opens the door to reveal Gendo Ikari and a bunch of armed guards with him.

"Dammit."

"Do you think I'm stupid? That I didn't know you were here all this time?"

Asuka doesn't answer.

"Well congratulations, your the stupid one. Any last words?"

"Yeah...Mask on!" she unpins a smoke grenade. Asuka then dons her mask.

"Shit, she could be anywhere!" the soldier cautioned while aiming his assault rifle. Gendo leaves the room with two soldiers.

"Come out you coward!"

"Psst, I've seen you naked." the soldiers eyes turn wide as he levels his assault rifle. A blade goes through his chest and falls on the floor, dead.

* * *

Exactly what are we doing in the sewer system?

"Well, I'm going entering the battlefield in style"

What do you mean style?

"Oh ho ho, you'll see~"

She places C4 on the entrance of the sewage system. Above the sewage system is a soldier zipping his pants, the door explodes. Asuka towers over the destroyed bathroom as parts fall from the sky.

"Oh believe me, I think your not the only one with shit in their pants am I?"

"Ah crap its the intruder!"

"Fire!"

Asuka dodges the shots and slices soldier number one's head off, soldier number two tries to rifle but her but she ducks and slides backwards then shooting him and impaling him to his dead comrade.

"I like me some cabob!"

Indeed you do. More soldier flood the room, they ready their guns and aim at her, one of the soldiers is the one from WILLE.

"Wait, you quit WILLE? Why!?"

"I did...For $10,000!"

"Well...Hope you have insurance~"

The traitor lowers his rifle.

"Why?"

Asuka pulls out a knife and throws it at his head, stabbing him in between his eyes.

"Because I'm gonna steal your money after this!"

One of the soldiers jump and aim fires his assault rifle.

"Holy shit, she's going to steal his insurance money! Kill her! Protect his insurance money!"

Asuka dashes and does a a, she pulls out her katana's and slices the soldiers legs right before he could open fire. She gets up and ricochets some bullets by twirling her katana's causing the bullets to hit four soldiers. An injured soldier runs towards Asuka with a electrical prod but Asuka grabs him and takes the prod.

"I think I know where this belongs~"

She shoves it up his ass and turns on the switch. Overkill much?

"Hey, trying to stick to the comic roots, just think of it as a love letter/fanservice."

Well, transformers does that but it only consists of references to the old shows.

"What, this doesn't count as deadpool-like?"

You could make a reference to deadpool.

"Hmmm..."

More soldiers appear.

"Oh God I have a heart attack!"

Asuka falls to the ground clutching her heart. The soldiers surround her, she grins. Asuka pulls out her katana's and spins around on the ground slicing their legs off.

"Fucking hacks!" cried the soldier as he covers his sliced off dick but the pain increases with his sliced off legs.

"Ohhh, there more to come!"

Asuka kicks down the two doors to see a mixture of the security forces mixed with military run towards her, they fire their shotguns causing her to fall to the ground.

"Hey sir, we killed her!"

"Hell yeah!"

"Eat lead bitch!"

"Time to crack open a cold one!"

The soldiers stop cheering and look at the other one.

"Dude...Respect the dead man."

"Fucking sicko!"

"If only my ammo didn't run out I would so murder right about now!"

"Hey guys? Didn't some rumor say that she has regenerative powers?"

"Oh come on Miles, don't believe Timothey."

Suddenly a whistle is heard, the soldiers turn to see Asuka with her skin regenerating and pulling out a massive weapon, a mixture of a rocket launcher and a minigun: The **SOLUTION.**

"Oh son of a-"

The soldiers are then slaughtered by a hail of rockets.

"Cause you can't spell slaughter without laughter!"

Hazzuh!

"Wait, I got a better quote!"

What is it?

"Hmm...Okay nevermind."

More armed forces run towards but they are unsuccessful at killing her.

"Why isn't anyone killing that masked moron!?" blared Gendo.

"Regenerative powers beeyotch." Asuka smirked as she fires her dual SMG's.

"Come to me my moving targets!" screeched the mercenary as switched to dual semi-auto shotguns with a clip size of a light machine gun.

The soldiers take cover but its slowly getting shredded, one of them come out firing his PDW-57 at her. Asuka unpins a grenade from one of the dead and throws it at him sending the soldier flying. She aims up and shreds the soldier to pieces.

"Fly my pretties! Fly!"

She rushes to the elevator.

"Hey, its ma jam!"

You can't sing...Oh wait. Asuka removes her balaclava.

"Crazy...I'm crazy for feeling...so lonely~"

The soldiers stood in awe in front of the CCTV recording Asuka singing one of them even shed a tear.

"I'm crazy...Crazy for feeling so blue...I knew~"

"You'd love me...as you wanted...And then someday ...You leave me for somebody new~"

Hey its your que.

"Oh."

The soldiers turn and panic as Asuka kills the armored infantry, she blows off there heads next right before they would ready their pistols. She then notices the next hall doesn't have soldiers.

* * *

"Why is there gun fire!?" panicked Shinji. Kaworu stood by the door calmly.

"Its nothing Shinji, everything is going to be alright, once we pull the spears, the world would be normal again."

Shinji trusted Kaworu, the only person that understands him and his only hope.

"I wish to protect the Lillin race." His hand goes near Shinji's and his eye's look straight at him, he removed the DSS choker is now on him.

"I carry the burden of humanity now, there's nothing to fear~" Kaworu's lips get closer to his. Shinji knew where this is going, he knew where his heart belongs to...It was Asuka Langley Shikinami._ I'm sorry Asuka..._

Just then a gunshot is heard, Shinji tries to struggle against Kaworu but there's no avail...So he kicked him in the crotch. He rushes to the door and opens it to reveal Asuka getting pinned by arrows connected by wires. She could barely walk but she tries, the arrows are loaded with tranquilizers. She is almost near Shinji.

"Shinji...Please don't pull the spears...Its not what you think they are..." She pulls off the arrow stabbed on her arm. She falls to the ground, Shinji lifts her.

"Please...Don't...pull them...for me alright?" she advises weakly.

"Asuka!"

"Asuka please wake up! Call me an idiot like you always do...Please..." A hand presses on his face.

"Hey, I don't know if I got this right cause I didn't speak Japanese for years but...Daisuki baka Shinji...Heh, happy now?" she painfully smiles. She closes her eyes. Shinji froze, whats going on? He looked at the soldiers in fury and runs to them punching one in the jaw and another in the stomach but another knocks him out.

Shinji and Asuka's hand are almost together only to be blocked by Kaworu's foot.

* * *

**If your wondering why do I treat Kaworu with such disdain is because of the Kaworu X Shinji pairing, I just don't like him for his unusual interactions with Shinji. Sometimes I feel like he was just there for yaoi fanservice, still, I like him for being a bro to Shinji. I just don't consider their relationship as romantic, just friend on friend.**


	8. Skin on skin, let the love begin!

Asuka wakes up on a bed. It is quite obvious that she's captured by Nerv forces, plus the security cameras on the wall.

"Well, at least I delivered the message from Cable." she sighs.

"Now time to get out of here!" she gets up to see her gear and red balaclava hanging on a hook. Not surprising.

"Seriously, why do the bad guys always keep the weapons near the prisoner? Its quite obvious that he/she will get them later."

I guess they thought this prison will keep you occupied. The door slides open to reveal a guard, he is armed with a spas-12 shotgun and a M249 saw machine gun.

"Looks like someone is a N-O-O-B." the soldier angrily sighs as he gets on the chair and leans on the wall with it while watching TV that's showing pretty little liars. The soldier sighs and puts on ear muffs.

"So what the hell is the point of wearing those if your watching TV?"

The soldier changes the channel to Twilight: Breaking dawn. Asuka's true weakness, a movie about two idiots falling in love with each other while another idiot falls in love. The audio transports to the room.

"Fuck! Dammit Gendo, I hope you end up like Mr Hands! Oh wait your not a anthrophile..." she struggles to cover her ears.

"No measure of time with you will be long enough. But we'll start with forever"

"Make it stop! My brain is committing genocide!"

Inside Asuka's brain

"Alright here is the plan, we kill the other Asuka's then ourselves!" declared an Asuka wearing a helmet.

"But Ma'am, were going to wipe out our species!" Asuka slaps Asuka 2.

"Get a hold of yourself! This is a fate worse than death! There's no choice!"

Asuka 2 pulls out a C96 Mauser and shoots Asuka 1 in the head.

"There is a choice if we endure-"

The other Asuka's shoot her. They go outside and shoot more Asuka's who are suffering from Twilight, the fleeing Asuka's hide in their homes. Asuka 3 enters her house, awaiting her is her wife and child.

"Is the movie over?"

Asuka 3 shakes her head and her wife breaks down crying. She points the gun at her head and fires, little Asuka freezes only to be shot next. Asuka 3 points her gun at herself.

"I'm so sorry honey..."

Outside of her brain

The mercenary slams her head repeatedly on the glass causing blood to splash over the place.

"Make it stop! Fuck! Please I'll be good!" The soldier ignores Asuka's pleas and reads a book. Shinji enters the scene, the soldier gets up.

"Hey, what the-"

"Don't worry, my father sent me here to talk with her. Also he said you could take a break." The soldier nods in response and leaves the room. Shinji opens Asuka's cell.

"Asuka..."

"So...Your going to pull the spears?"

"No...But, what you said...Was it true?"

The mercenary nods in response. All this time, she loved him but she knew Rei deserved him so she gave up years ago. Asuka looks away and blushes heavily, hoping he would go away. After all, he's the first person to treat him with kindness as if she wasn't a bitch.

"Asuka..." she turns to him. Shinji gets closer to her face, their lips are almost together. Now kiss! Their lips begin to lock against each other, she feels the wetness on his tongue. The redhead takes off her plugsuit and pins the boy on the bed, scars cover her body because of what Misato did to her.

"C-Can you promise me this?"

Shinji nods in response and Asuka looks down.

"You...You'll never love anyone else in the whole world for the rest of your life...Only me."

Did you seriously stole a line from retake?

"Shut, up I ran out of lines."

Whatever.

"I-I promise." Shinji replied.

"Then, your mine from head to the bottom of your feet." Asuka licked her lips.

Shinji nodded in response.

"If you cheat on me, I'll kill you." she warned.

"Okay"

"If you touch another woman, I'll kill you."

"Okay."

Her face turned into a grin.

"Come to think of it...I'll kill you if you talk to another woman..."

Shinji chuckled a little.

"Okay Asuka, from now on I'll only talk to you."

"Idiot...Don't make a girl a promise you can't keep~"

She kisses Shinji again, well, call me for the wedding.

"Can I say it?"

Fine.

"Skin on skin, let the love begin!"

You got it from the breaking dawn review didn't you? Okay, you know what just fuck each other and we'll talk about it later.

* * *

10 hours later.

Asuka wakes up on her bed, Shinji is not there anymore, her cell door is open too. She notices a note on her stuff, the note reads "I'll use unit 13 for escape and pick you."

"Hmph, I'll fight my way out." she gets out of the- wait, your naked!

"Come at me bros!" she pulls out her katana's.

What are you general Butt-naked!?

"What are you stupi-Ohhhhhhhh, excuse me~"

She gets back in the room and puts on her cloths and balaclava.

"Wait is...No one there?"

Yeah...Oh don't you dare! Asuka slides out of the room wearing her plugsuit with Shinji's shirt over it along with shades, she turns around carrying her katana's handle like a microphone

_"Just take those old records from the shelf..._

_I'll sit and listen all by myself._

_Today's music ain't got the same soul._

_I like that old time rock and roll" _

The mercenary continues to walk while lip syncing the song only to have be on someone's sights. The bullet goes through her head and she drops to the floor.

"Easy target...Gendo, I'll have my pay."

Asuka gets up with her head regenerating from the shot.

"What the hell, you told me no one is there!"

"Ah crap, your like Wilson!"

She turns to see the assassin, he is wearing a hood and skull mask.

"Taskmaster!? Nerv hired you!? I thought Cable was the only Marvel character in this fic!"


End file.
